Grief.

Ultimately, there comes a time when you find yourself ALONE crying your eyes out. Your head starts pounding, snot rolls down your nose, with your heart beating fast, and it’s because you continue to relive certain moments of your past. Grief my friends has no time frame, and quite frankly I wish it did.

I almost wish that grief was something that we could all prepare for [..you know, because I like to plan things]. I used to feel guilty and selfish for rehashing past memories with my family and friends. Memories I knew, would only remain memories! […but my REALITY, is that I simply could not stop holding on to those memories.]

c'mon...keep reading!

Have you ever found yourself day-dreaming, recreating these very memories in your head? Hoping, praying, and wishing for a different outcome? Welp, me TOO! It finally took me YEARS to realize that recreating these different outcomes in my head were not only hurting me, but they were preventing me from moving on.

I will say, I allowed myself to grieve for a long time. Now let’s all remember, that we can grieve deaths as well as endings of relationships. In my case, it was BOTH! I both experienced a trauma as well as lost a relationship in the process. Now, I’ll spare everyone the details because let’s be real it could get VERY vivid […and someone’s child may be reading this].

[…but back to what I was saying.]

I allowed myself to grieve for YEARS! Sometimes I even look back to how far I’ve come [GLORY TO GOD!!] I believe I felt double the pain, I became anxious about losing other relationships, I was hurt, I was angry, and sometimes I felt like honestly giving up. Getting up in the mornings became soo hard, but staying up late became NORMAL for me.

After I felt my pain. After I cried long hours. After I yelled. After I threw things. I honestly put all of my pain in a box, and threw it away […I basically shut down]. I shut down on my family, my friends, and in relationships [..yup, I stopped dating]. I was soo shut off, I hated to show my weakness to others that I kept it all built up inside.

BUT, I want to encourage YOU […yes, you reading this] to NOT DO WHAT I DID.

Let’s all say that lesson learned. I encourage everyone who is reading this blog to continue to hold on to those memories, regardless of how painful it was. […but,] I challenge you to take charge of your own healing !! Don’t shut yourself OFF! I am saying allow yourself to feel your pain, but then work to overcome the pain.

I began to go back to church [..where I felt like an outcast because I had not been in church for YEARS] Slowly, I continued to go to church. Each Sunday, my church family continued to pour into me and I felt like I belonged and I certainly felt LOVED again.

I started to forgive myself for being selfish to others [i.e. not wanting to talk to others, cancelling plans with my friends, declining dates] because of my grief. As I began to do this, a wise person once told me to:

1) write down EVERYTHING that you’re feeling [..the good, the bad, & the UGLY]

2) lean on your loved ones [..for those of you who know me, this was HARD because I am the strong one]

3) PRAY, & GIVE IT TO GOD!

I began to journal. [..boy did my hand begin to hurt—carpal tunnel] I started pouring out to my loved ones, even sometimes repeating myself [..sorry y’all for having to hear my stories numerous times], and praying to GOD!

Soon enough, I was able to remember positive memories that will last forever instead of always thinking about the negative. I got my voice back and began to help others around me. I say all of this to say, grief takes time and don’t shortchange yourself because you haven’t overcome deaths or relationships as fast as others.

It's TIME... to move on! :)

With time, things will get better!!!

xx. SJ